*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
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Hairdresser: How much should I trim off the back?
Me: Leave it long enough for him to wrap around his fist twice.
Can’t find my belt so I’ll just need to get fatter.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Sundries sounds like something grandma would call scandalous underwear
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
My wife and I always eat dinner as fast as possible so we can have a popsicle.
We are 47 years old.
There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
We rescued an injured coyote once but were totally unprepared for how many Acme products they order.
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Wait, Omicron isn’t the latest crypto currency?
Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
According to murder documentaries literally nobody expects “… evil to be lurking in the shadows of a sleepy, rural town.”
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
My fridge just screamed “OH JESUS, WHAT NOW?” at me as I opened its door.