Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
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“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when someone wasn’t getting to the point.
him: who is your fantasy?
me: huh?
him: who would you like to be stuck in an elevator with?
me: the elevator repair man.
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
H: Want to go to Lowe’s with me?
M: Can I wear my tiara?
H: I’d rather you not
M: Then no thanks
[husband leaves]
M: *whispers* works every time
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
Sam was having a great time at the party until someone next to him sneezed.
teenager doing court order community service picking up trash in a ditch: *pokes my body with a stick*
me: *wakes up* oh hey jake is it Tuesday again already?
Last night, we decided to play UNO as a family & wouldn’t you know it’s the perfectly named game because it only took playing one round for my kids to hate each other
a deranged scientist in every rickety old house on top of every hill on the outskirts of every town. that’s my promise, should i be elected
i made a craigslist ad !
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
If you or someone you love have gone to work today, you may be entitled compensation.
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Fluff me with a fork baby
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”