My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
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The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
What a year we’ve had this week.
Shout out to the top 5 phones, mega, micro, smart, speaker and get off the damn.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
[alarm clock goes off]
ok it’s happening again
it’s a day and it’s here again
*googling*
day again why
how to unsubscribe days
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
Gym membership: $1180 a year
Trainer: $45 a session
Workout clothes: $400
Nutritionist: $150 per consultation
Healthy food: $450 a monthFunhouse mirror that makes me look skinny: $29.99
I know karate and tons of other words.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.