Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
You Might Also Like
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
With the holidays upon us, please dont forget what they stand for. Family, friends & punching strangers at the mall because they cut in line
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
My diorama of the Three Little Pigs mise-en-scéne was overshadowed by my sister’s master’s degree. I’m not mad, but I’ll probably cancel the show.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
I’m only dating bad texters from here on out.
Who knew life could be so quiet and….peaceful.
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
HIM: *touching a scar on her hand* What’s this one?
HER: *giggling* I burnt myself getting pizza rolls out of the oven
HIM: *touching a scar on her arm* And this one?
HER: pizza rolls
HIM: What about—
HER: I dunno what to tell you, bud. They’re all gonna be pizza rolls.
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
Ah yes. The three genders
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.