Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
You Might Also Like
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
[Grand Canyon]
*His screams echo as he falls to his death*
OMG THE ACOUSTICS ARE AMAZING HERE! HOW IS THIS NOT A CONCERT VENUE?
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
Oh, hey guys how were the bars tonight? That’s cool. In case you were wondering all of the Harry Potter movies are still really good.
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Instead of death, we should just call it ‘eternity leave’
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
CONDUCTOR: all aboard!
ME: i’m pretty bored
CONDUCTOR: no, i meant everyone on the train
ME: oh, i’m sure they’re bored too
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
That scary part in parenthood when your toddler turns into one of them raptors from Jurassic Park and learns how to open doors
Breaking news:
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
Roasted beef is like regular beef except the cows family tells embarrassing stories about it, which are tough and tasteless.
Don’t you hate it when you go into the bathroom at a party to sneak out of the window, and their bathroom doesn’t have a window, so you have to bust through the wall like the Kool-Aid Man?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.