“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
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“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
You put the shhh in bullshhhit.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Friend: I wish this candy bar had less calories.
Me: Let me see it…
*eats half and hands it back*
…wish granted.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
GUY: are u in the 1%
ME: more like the 2%
GUY: well that’s still great
ME: [wondering why this guy’s so in to milk] it’s pretty cool I guess
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon