when someone bumps into you, immediately say (loudly) “oh no my hot bod!”
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My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
[first day as burglar]
me : OMG SNACKS
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[gets down on 1 knee]
Babe will you–
“Yeah… Here it is”
[she lends me her phone charger]
Thanks
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
OTHER KIDS IN RESTAURANT: Restlessly coloring on a placemat waiting for food.
MY KIDS: Have already flipped over a booth & set it on fire.
Two things I learned this weekend are:
1. I’m not too old to get in a hammock.
2. I’m too old to get out of a hammock.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
I’ve spent the better part of my day trying to figure out why “mustache” & “headache” don’t rhyme.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?