One day you’re young and spry and the next you’re watching videos of people taste testing their friends’ Subway sandwich orders.
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What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
BARBER: So what do you do?
ME: I’m a writer, and you?
BARBER:
ME:
BARBER: I’m a barb—
ME: Barber, right, yes.
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom
More like Kate Missington.
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
This squirrel eats better than I do
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Apparently Bird Box is not a KFC $5 fill up. I know this now…
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
shampoo implies shampee
Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.