[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
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I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
When your man makes a valid point
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
*cough*
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Do you ever follow accounts blindly and then find yourself in bad poetry or emu farmer Twitter?
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
Me: I want a serious long term relationship
Literally anyone: Hey I’m interested in you!
Me: *shivers* better hide in bed for 6 months.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
I’m guessing whoever said “There’s no point beating a dead horse” has never been in a zombie apocalypse.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
plant them where lol
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
This is meant to give your cat a seat at the table but it could totally be a whack-a-mole game instead
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
How come when I am at a fair or carnival I can throw three balls at a wall full of bottles and not hit a thing, but when I am in the shower I can accidentally drop a bar of soap and somehow knock over everything in all four corners of the tub?
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie