I just checked Web MD and I have everything
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I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Ethan isn’t playing around this semester
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
*Answers door naked*
Jehovah’s Witnesses… 😲
Me: Do you have a moment to let me tell you about my sex life? Here, have this pamphlet.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
beware of dog
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Always a metermaid never a meter
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
Alright, I know you’re all wary of funding another Jurassic Park when all the others have ended in disaster, but I have 3 words that will blow your mind: Chance the Velocirapper
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
It’s a conversation starter: “Ever seen a lion’s egg?”
A conversation avoider: “Excuse me! Hot hot hot!”
A conversation ender: “Just got this cyst removed. Feel how heavy!”
Always carry a potato wrapped in foil to a party.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*