SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
Me: hello I’ve run out of toilet paper
Front desk: oh I’m sorry for the inconvenience
Me: oh no worries, but I’ve also run out of towels
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
I hope my neighbors follow me on Twitter cause their car’s lights are on.
*bugs bunny*
bunny: stop bothering me
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
Accidentally bought something by clicking “OK” 6 times then “place order”
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
me: I would sell my soles for some chocolate right now
devil: done! wait, what the h-
me: no takebacksies
devil: *holding a pair of sensible flats* damnit
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
when revenge coincides with naptime
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
Operator: 911 what’s your emergency?
Me: PEOPLE ARE TAGGING ME IN PICTURES ON FACEBOOK AND I’M NOT EVEN IN THEM!
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes