garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
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I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
Knowing that Tolkien’s original name for Frodo was Bingo, this is all I can think of whenever I watch this scene.
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
When someone tells me that no parenting technique works for every child, I remind them of the 7 Cs: Connection, Compassion, Communication, Chocolate, sCreen time, and Covering your ear holes with Cotton balls.
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
*A guide to 1st dates*
Thanks for coming over.
Let me give you the tour.
This is my bedroom.
The top drawer is yours.
Where are you going?
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
No One Puts Baby in the Corner: A Feng Shui Guide to Nurseries
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless