Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
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If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Ugh, my boyfriend got me flowers even tho I explicitly asked for cash
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
yeah no that’s fair
Michael Myers taught me to never let shit slide, even if it’s been years😌
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Setting my alarm for April Fools day so I remember not to trust my loved ones, and finally have a reason for it.
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
I just had the thought “pfft. Your father can’t die before you are born,” and I believed it for a full minute. Because I’m smert.