Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Attempted to have a bath. I am 6’2″. The bathtub most certainly is not. I looked like a praying mantis trying to take a nap in an iPod dock.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
When kidnappers take sensitivity training: fragrance free chloroform
WIFE: Every time I get close, I get hurt.
THERAPIST: Is this true?
PORCUPINE HUSBAND: *bristles* OF COURSE IT’S TRUE I’M A BALL OF NEEDLES
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
[I time travel and bring back Shakespeare]
SHAKESPEARE: What’s this?
ME: That’s a meme
SHAKESPEARE: What the hell is wrong with you people
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
My Guy
Fifty shades of grey is my favourite movie about English weather.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Boss: Why were you late today?
Me: *flashes back to standing motionless in my closet staring at my clothes for 20 mins*
Me: Traffic.
Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?