Give a baker flours on your first date.
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Authentic isn’t automatically good. You could be an authentic douchebag.
Haha there’s a squirrel on the fence and he’s walking back and forth like he can’t make up his mind because he’s on the fence.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me.
Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend.
Wow you’re fast.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
If you are thinking about leaving Twitter because so many of your old friends have already left, remember I’m still here. And that’s another good reason to leave
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
[stranded on Mars]
me: [journal day 1] I have enough rations for 300 maybe 400 days
me: [journal day 2] I am out of rations
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.
Lie about the gap in your resume. Tell them you had to help hobbits take a ring to Mordor or something
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
Husband: Just think how much money we’re saving by staying at home.
Me: *shopping online*
Mmm hmmm, sure seems that way.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Why is this me 😫