date: i love mussels
me: i hate working out
date: i mean from the sea
me: i’m sorry i can’t be aquaman
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”
Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.
[surprising my bf at work]
Me: Hey you *wink*
Him: *stops putting out cheese samples* We’ve been over this, lady, either buy something or leave
Someone just threatened to call me later
Him: This is an awful Thanksgiving meal… The turkey is touching the green beans!
Me: It’s not what you think, they’re just friends.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
Vacation Summary:
I ate so much that I now have my own gravitational field.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
The recipe I’m making specifically says “allow to cook undisturbed,” and yet my whole family is standing around in the kitchen
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Marvel, DC, and the world unite to agree on one SUPERVILLAIN to rule them all….
The Guy Who Determines Snack Food Serving Sizes.
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?