There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
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I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
ME, in my 20s: Bro, if you bring chips, make sure you get the “Scarlet Viper Ghost Dragon Habanero Pepper” flavor! Whooo!
ME, now: Excuse me, young man, do you carry “A Timid Suggestion of Chive” chips? I have a prescription from my gastroenterologist.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Me: I need a vacation by myself.
Me, alone on the beach for 5 minutes with my thoughts: not like that.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
*accidentally walks into lion’s den
*goes back to party in lion’s living room
Oops, I ate my feelings again.
~ a memoir
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Piers Morgan has taken a very strong stance against guns, and who can blame him?
If you had a gun, you’d shoot him too.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
Nice try, evening news, but there’s nothing as scary as the three times I woke up accidentally pregnant
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day