ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
You Might Also Like
[Jesus breaks bread]
This is my body[Jesus pours wine]
This is my blood[Jesus brings out Alex Trebek]
and THIS. IS. JEOPARDY.
No, 2013, you were not the worst year. But thank you for trying.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn
Edward Cullen: How long have you been 30?
Me: *long awkward pause* A while…
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
Me: My brother was in an accident & lost his hand.
Her: OMG, is he OK?
Me: Yes, it was his left hand so
Her: Don’t do it
Me: he’s all right
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
You’re not allowed to say “long story short” after talking for 30 minutes.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
A salad is just a bowl of all the things I take off my hamburger.
Uh oh…
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room