Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
Me: …and they’re allowed 1 hour of scream time.
Babysitter: You mean “screen time?”
Me: No.
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
that colleague who touches your screen
*working out*
this is so much worse than i thought
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
Doubt I’ll ever forget this scene 😂
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
*watching smart car washed away in a flood on the news*
If it was really smart it would know how to swim.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
Dolls on drugs
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.