My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
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[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
When I walk for a short period each day in the woods, if I pass someone a few yards away I make a point in speaking and smiling at them. That ensures they move on quickly.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
Decorated the house across the street so I can look out the window and enjoy my handiwork.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
So grateful for pillows. My head works hard, it deserves its own widdle bed.
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Women are like angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we simply continue to fly……. on a broomstick, we’re flexible like that
a daycare dad cut me off in the parking lot so I went early yesterday and taught his kid how to ride a bike you can never get that back
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I PowerWashed the scale this morning because it kept calling me dirty names, like fat.
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Ninja wedding vows be like “in slickness and in stealth.”
I almost died last night. I woke up at 3am and MY FOOT WAS HANGING OFF THE EDGE OF THE BED. NOT EVEN UNDER THE COVERS.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
Him: What’s your cup size?
Me: Venti
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
If you want to become a beatboxing champion, try zipping up a tight dress.