That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive
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KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.
I cannot wear white, things like cereal, soup and pens randomly attack me.
I was on my couch and my 5YO came up and put his arms around my waist. I was smiling like a fool until I realized he was looking for the remote control I was sitting on.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
“On this one particular day every year we put on different clothes and pretend we are someone else then we go to strangers’ houses and ask for stuff”
Aliens: WHAT
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
V-Day Single: “I am missing out on so much joy.”
V-Day, Dating: *stresses out over finding the perfect gift*
V-Day Married: “We should probably, like, go out or something.”
V-Day Married w/ Kids: “You need how many valentines? For people who can’t even read yet? By when?”
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
I have my binoculars ready for the upcoming solar eclipse. This is going to be amazing.
The difference between a biography and an autobiography is self-explanatory.
“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”
(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)
TENNIS BOYFRIEND: You deserve love
TENNIS GIRLFRIEND: That’s so mean
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
*Brings Ouija board to Thanksgiving
Ouija: G O B B L E
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
*donates body to science*
Science: “I have a boyfriend”
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?