Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
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Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
School be like
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
what the
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
(Shoots my husband in the eye with a Waterpik)
Me: How do you like it?
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
Monday: forearms
Wednesday: forearms
Friday: forearms
Sunday: forearms
–Popeye’s gym schedule
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
can we have one night where you don’t act like spiderman
“ok”
[hour later a bird/panther type thing steals wife’s purse]
“don’t look at me”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Matilda could move things with her mind and she could do it without getting a goddamn nosebleed, it burned absolutely no energy for her no matter how heavy the object, therefore she could absolutely destroy Eleven in a schoolyard telekinesis battle. In this essay I will
I don’t wish my ex-husband ill. I just hope he can’t ever find a parking spot and that his food is never quite the right temperature.
lol
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
I lit candles & put a trail of rose petals all over the house in confusing patterns so my husband can’t find me drinking in the closet.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
I went to the zoo and saw a piece of toast in a cage. The sign said BREAD IN CAPTIVITY.