H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
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Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
my son swallowed our amazon dash button and now im afraid to hug him for fear of ordering another bulk order of goldfish snacks. am i cursed
“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.
I need more disguises so Costco doesn’t know I’m eating there for free every day.
Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
frodo: [doesnt know how to get to mordor, doesnt know how to fight, doesnt know who he should actually trust] i need to do this alone
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
employee: should I restock the vegetables
manager: why aren’t you using the time-saving code words from my training
employee: fine, should I *air quote fingers* reproduce
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
You can’t make me happy, you’re not a bag of chips.
Lady: he’s so mysterious
Lady2: I wonder what he’s thinking
[Me, just wondering how easy it’d be to convert a nerf gun to fire meatballs]
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
i prefer mine room temperature.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me