Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
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being a writer on Twitter:
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
You look like you would fail a DNA test
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
handsome & gretel
me: will I go to jail in the future
psychic: no
me: gimme your wallet and empty the register
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Reasons to jump:
1. Trampoline
2. Skydiving
3. Bungee jumping
4. Kris Kross made you
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
i spent way too long on this
[bruce wayne falls into a cave inhabited by a hibernating bear & things turn out very differently]
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
Me: My point is that every day brings fresh carnage, and there are new horrors around every corner.
Grandson: Read it how my mommy reads it.