🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
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[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
if you have over 100 followers there is a secret group of people who meet once a week to throw darts at a picture of your face
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper
Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: is he a doctor?
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
taking June’s advice to heart
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
#ParentingFacts
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.