I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
You Might Also Like
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
Wizard of Oz: The good news is I can give you a human heart
Tin Man: Then what’s the bad news
Wizard of Oz: We’re gonna need an umanhay acrificesay *side nodding at Dorothy*
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.
Na Fa Fo Na Na Fo Fo -Sassy black girl giving me her digits.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
I finally shaved my legs.
Do I contact Locks of Love or do they contact me?
cop: do you know why your neighbors called us
me: *into megaphone* NO
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
streaming companies forgetting their entire existence is based on being slightly more convenient than piracy
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater
I’m a people person. I live in a house home where I enjoy food meals and listening to music songs.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.