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Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
Me: *runs into burning house*
Lady: Everyone is out of the house already!
Me: *comes back out eating their cheese*
Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.
Is it because I’m brown??
I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
My therapist told me “time heals all wounds”,
So I stabbed him. Now we wait…
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Child: [misbehaving]
Me [picking up phone]: That’s it, I’m calling Santa.
Child: Dad I’m 19.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
A smile every mile will get you further faster but if that doesn’t work, carjacking does.