Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
The US Defense budget is 40x bigger than NASA’s. It’s surprising we actually went to the moon instead of blowing it up.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
When I see a dog tied up outside a store I immediately assume it’s been there for years & set it free.
[first day as a baker]
boss: open this door. you better not be making sculptures again
me: ahh [frantically trying to hide bread pitt and angelina doughlie] just a second
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Me: *deals cards* okay boys what’ll it be
Quarterback: i pass
Roofer: i raise
Telemarketer: i call
Optometrist: i see
Origami Artist: i fold
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags