My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”
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WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
Yoga class instructor: Welcome. Uhh why are you carrying a lightsaber?
Me: Misread the brochure I have.
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
a ladybug has entered the household. and i. am on my way to introduce myself
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
C’mon now, y’all couldn’t have ALL been picked last for kickball every time, that’s not even mathematically possible
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
using AI to expand this shot in Fast & Furious 6 and achieve the filmmakers true vision 😌🙏
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
Hubs says when I drink I’m “too loud” and use too many “big words.”
WELL I’M SORRY IF MY VOCIFEROUS GRANDILOQUENCE BOTHERS YOU!!
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.