The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
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[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you
*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Relationship Status: Just asked the bag of Doritos laying in bed next to me if they had enough room
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: not ripe
Avocado: I’M RIPE NOW
Avocado: okay you were in the bathroom so I rotted
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
Sorry I’m late, I was watching ghost adventures and they heard a noise.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
that picture of all the construction workers sitting on a steel beam eating lunch except its me & the boys sitting on the floor at game stop
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
nasa: there will be a huge solar storm tonight
vampires: what the hell
Sure laying me down on a “Bed of Roses” sounds all romantic and shit, but I much rather lay on a bed of fries and onion rings.
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
When your unicorn and dragon start battling each other, it’s time to lay off the Ambien
If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
New favorite tiktok
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them