[portal opens]
dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!
gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-
dark lord: not now gary
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A chicken that’s good with numbers is a mathematish-hen.
Her: OMG! You didn’t feed my cat while I was away?
Me: Do you remember that time you didn’t harvest my crops on FarmVille? Now we’re even.
I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity
I just want to bring your heart to it’s knees.
… And while you’re down there…
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
same vibe as tangled headphones
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Always a metermaid never a meter
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
When people write to tell me I’m not good at comedy, I reply “Well you’re not good at fan mail” then we all laugh &they are proved wrong.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
“you don’t text back” i know, stop texting me
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
Guys, my husband has been watering A PLASTIC PLANT I put in his home office since March…
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it