INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?
ME: ʸᵉˢ
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
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Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Some Very British Problems with that tedious consequence of moving house: unpacking.
Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
At my age I don’t need a Halloween costume to be scary, I just show up.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
[Freddy Krueger enters my dream but I’m blasting Rebecca Black on repeat]
Who’s nightmare is it now Freddy?!
Microsoft Developer: We’ll call it “Excel!”
Manager: Great! What will it do?
Developer: The opposite of that.
I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror this morning, so I guess once again my personality will be doing all the work today
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
From my Mom
I was sad until I automatically connected to the local McDonald’s WiFi, then I was ~extra~ sad.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
To parents entertaining kids during social distancing and quarantine: IF YOU KEEP THEM ALIVE THAT IS SUFFICIENT. Don’t feel guilty if you’re not enriching their souls, teaching them kumihimo & sign language & engaging their spirits. Toss them some fish sticks; they’ll be fine.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
How was your day?
-You know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
That bad?
-Oh no. It’s just a cool scene. My day was decent
[looking at pregnancy test]
Her: Well, it’s positive…so weird
Me: [Flashback to using car keys to open condom wrapper]…so weird
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]