[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
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running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Sorry I’m late, I was down at the police station filing assault charges against the mammogram machine
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
Bless you
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
Me: *takes off headphones and puts air guitar down* what?
Flight attendant: I need you to sit
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
Some of you act like your mom never went out of town and left you with a babysitter, but the babysitter died and you had to get a job as a fashion designer and become caretaker to your 4 siblings, all while you fell in love with the delivery guy from Clown Dog… and it shows.
When I was 30, I had a fling thing with a 22 year old. He subtweeted me on here and i didnt even have Twitter. My younger cousin showed me the tweet. 6 years later, and I’m finally mad about it.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
Volunteer me to do something without checking with me first so I know whose mailbox to leave the dead squirrel in.
Dating in your 50’s is great!
Although my husband’s not that keen, tbh
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Thought a guy on a bicycle was doing a fist pump so I almost did one back until I realized he was just really enthusiastic about turning right
My 6yo thinks the Starbucks mermaid has two fish tails for her arms and now I can’t unsee it
Wife’s been away since thursday, we ran out of spaghetti-o’s on friday, ate the dog yesterday, burned photo albums for heat today, pls help
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
During A$AP Rocky’s hearing today in Sweden he was asked if he goes by any nicknames.
His response: “Yes, Rocky, A$AP Rocky, pretty motherf*cker”
#FreeRocky
[séance]
“Everyone hold hands and close your eyes.”
[knocking sound]
“Speak, spirit, speak!”
“Hi. It’s the pizza guy. You ordered a medium.”
Sat behind two cars at a four-way stop for 5 minutes before I realized I had accidentally joined a goddamn school pick up line.
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
[doctors exam]
“I’m feeling a lump here. Here’s another. You have several lumps.”
-uh oh, what does that mean doc?
“it means you’re fat”
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Greeting humans vs their dogs
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Rubbing garlic behind my ears before this corporate fundraiser