Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
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I just got excited about a new scent of dish soap.
No one warned me adulthood was going to be such a non-stop thrill ride.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
It’s been a week with no gluten and minimal sugar, I’ve lost hearing in my left foot.
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
I’d like to thank the British for wearing red coats and making it easier to shoot them 238 years ago. We couldn’t have done this without you
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If it makes any grown women out there feel better, I measured the pockets in my 5 yo’s pants and he can’t fit a phone or wallet in his, either
My therapist says my little dragon friend isn’t real. But, my little dragon friend says my therapist isn’t real, and I’ve known her longer.
Me: “Jesus, please make me a better person…”
Jesus: *deletes my account*
Me: “NOT LIKE THAT!”
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
In high school I only played the trombone so I could hit people and make it look like an accident.
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
Once I was a passenger in a car when a deer ran across the road. I screamed, so the driver looked at ME instead of the ROAD. I’ve trained myself to always scream “DEER!” instead of just screaming. *sighing* So. Anyway, sorry I screamed “DEER!” when you startled me in the hallway.
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word