God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
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She told me she’d do anything for 20 bucks. Guess who just got his Mustang washed.
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Monica just destroyed the internet
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
God: Noah, I’d like to talk to you about the animals you have on the Ark
Noah: what’s wrong?
God: are you sure they aren’t all just dogs wearing different animal costumes
Noah: *with a dog sized elephant humping his leg* hahaha that’s crazy
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
[on plane]
Me: It’s ok, more ppl are killed by hippos than by plane crashes
Pilot: This is your captain speaking, I’m a hippo btw
Me: Nooooo
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume