“Eat right and exercise?!?…
I dunno…seems like some kind of a scam, Doc.”
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If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
ME: I’m taking it back.
WIFE: It’s fine, just sit down and eat your lunch.
ME (already at counter): How much do I owe you for the onion ring in my fries?
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
[band practice]
ME: I want a solo
GUITARIST: you play the tambourine
ME: yeah but *shaking tambourine really fast* check this shit out
You know how sometimes you’re really into a song and you don’t know all the lyrics but you keep singing it anyways? That’s my toddler with Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.
[ Medical Website to retrieve your STD test results ]
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If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
Had a spot of bother earlier.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.