I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
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Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
[Ad shows dude getting out of bed before noon on the weekend]
*professional stuntman do not attempt*
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
馃泚
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Wearing polar fleece in the winter gives me a sense of security knowing I can jump start a car with my finger.
Me recordaron 茅ste meme
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.
Hell hath no fury like an old lady scolding you for going in the wrong direction down a one-way aisle at the grocery store.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you鈥檙e walking through the park and there鈥檚 a statue of your friend Jeff
Me irl
*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
Things you never find once lost
1. Innocence
2. Childhood
3. Chapstick
4. New Chapstick
5. Backup Chapstick
馃槀馃槀
Gorilla: so I鈥檓 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I鈥檓 not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it鈥檚 kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Boomers: we don鈥檛 share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 馃
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
(first date)
Her: I work in a science lab.
Me: (trying to impress) I donated my brain for research.