It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
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CW: Can you hold this Snickers?
Me: mmhmm
CW: Are you holding it in your mouth?
Me: mmhmm
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you鈥檙e representing yourself
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
{first date}
HIM: Your profile says you like Shakespeare. What’s your favorite?
ME [nervous]: Uh…William?
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
I put the mess in domestic.
wife: “no one will remember dont worry”
me: “ok”
[2 mins into my high school reunion]
guy: “yo are you the dude that brought a dog to prom?”
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid馃槶馃槀
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.
OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it鈥檚 going pretty well.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
date: I come from old money
me: *waving around a quarter from 1955* this doing anything for you
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
A piece of bacon fell on the heating element when I was taking it out of the oven and I saved it without a moment鈥檚 hesitation. So that rush of adrenaline that gives parents the strength to lift a car off their kid?
I get it.
Yep, it’s true馃憞馃徏馃槀馃槀馃槀
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
ghost of christmas past but it鈥檚 just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don鈥檛 have anything sensible to say.
She鈥檚 obviously a newbie.
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
[2052 pre-apocalypse]
Him: If only we had one of those old VCR cables, we could save the world
Me: (pulling out bin) SEE KAREN, I TOLD YOU WE NEEDED TO KEEP THESE CORDS
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Boss: Let’s be frank.
Me: Dibs on “Sinatra.”
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*