[picking son up from soccer practice]
Me: how was it?
Coach: he did very well
Me: how many goals did you score?
Son: none
Me: right well one of you is a liar then
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my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
My kid has been sneaking tv in the morning and got mad at me today when I caught him like “you didn’t tell me you were coming down the stairs!” Gee sorry I didn’t give you more time to plan your deception buddy
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
A white American told me I shouldn’t call myself “British” because brown people aren’t native to Britain.
A white American
White. American.
Me: Have a taste of your own medicine
*I force the pills the Dr. prescribed for me down his throat*
Me: WHO HAS ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION NOW?!
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
Truth
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Mom is now sending me pictures of her lasagna and the recipe she apparently found in a sunken pirate ship.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
the phone rings. it’s you. it’s always you. i’ve run out of things to say…out of ways to tell you to stop calling. i can’t do this anymore. yet…i answer, knowing you’ll just say the same thing you always say, “i’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Black magic is just like regular magic, but with bigger wands.
You know your exes are too similar to each other when four of them get mad about the same tweet
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Woman on bus just pulled her mask down to cough.
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Nice try, poison.
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
I want to be in a heavy metal band just so I can scream terrible things at crowds of people and not be accused of having PMS.