*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
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My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Me: Oooh, I’m parked between two other Subarus! I’m the middle of a Subaru sandwich!! 🥰🥰🥰
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
This little piggy went to the market
This little piggy stayed home
This little piggy spread a swine flu virus
And killed 250 million people
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
You think you’re having a hard day? I’ve had to listen to someone chew AND lick their fingers clean
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
*Godzilla smashing Tokyo & eating people. After destroying an asylum he suddenly dies*
60s cop1: what happened
60s cop2: haha nut allergy
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
If you guys were impressed by the “but wait, it’s actually cake” thing, wait until I tell you about the guy I dated who turned out to be a Thanksgiving turkey
student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Investing in beetcoin
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
When I screwed up at age 9, my mom told me to “think about what you’ve done wrong” and I’ve pretty much never stopped
Wife: i’m concerned our toddler is obsessed with comic books.
Me: what makes you say that?
Daughter: [to our cat] what is your origin story?
Wife: see what I me-
Me: shhh I wanna hear our cats origin story.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
My boyfriend thinks I’m not funny. Whatever, at least I’m a real person.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
[out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.