If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
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Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Coffee is great because if you drink too much you realize there are tiny spiders under your skull weaving hair.
Tom and Jerry fooled me into thinking dogs bullied cats when it’s the opposite in reality
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
pls suprot
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
I’m no therapist but I’d suggest that the fact that you’ve whined about your ex here every day for a year may be why he left you.
When your baby cries, don’t feed it. That’s just what it expects you to do. You have to outsmart it.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
This will teach them to underestimate me
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
Me: Hi, I’d like to order an anniversary bouquet.
FTD customer service: And what kind of flowers would you like in it?
Me: Something that really represents our love. Do you carry crabgrass and poison ivy?
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*