just gave your address to some spiders
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I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Love seeing my kids’ faces when we go for ice cream and I order a single scoop of butter pecan. They’re like dang, dad even makes ice cream lame.
I think something went wrong here?!🤔
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Every time I bend over to pick something up, my husband magically appears behind me.
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I don’t know if there’s a right time for your preschooler to whisper, “are humans made out of meat?” in your ear, but I know that 3 AM is the wrong time.
Me: Maybe it’s the weed talking but your apartment seems enormous
IKEA Manager: Sir.
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
I once went to a party with 10% battery life on my phone so you can shut the hell up about your “scary” battle at Normandy, grandpa.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
Only 90’s kids will remember this! *plays outside*
[spoiler alert] Chemistry for Dummies is not about improving your sex life.
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Only recently discovering that math is a branch of science probably explains my math marks in high school.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
Travis Kelce is living the dream of every unknown comedian rn. Having hordes of people share your old tweets and being like, “this guy is hilarious”