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My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
*Panda walks into shop, “A packet of nuts please.”
Assistant: “pandas don’t eat nuts.”
-“dammit” panda suit opens and 36 squirrels run off.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
(Going through Emergency Go Bag)
Hubs: We have no matches or flint
Me: We don’t need any
Him: How would we start a fire if we needed one?
Me: (slaps my thighs) just let me run for a few minutes and the friction between these two bad boys will start a forest fire
Call me old fashioned, but I never cry in front of another man unless it’s to get out of a speeding ticket…
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
How to apply mascara:
Pull wand from tube
Open your eyes like a haunted doll coming to life
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Inside you are two Cookie Monster. One want cookie. The other want more cookie.
I can always end an argument with my wife by undressing; presto, she has a headache and goes to bed.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
[At a restaurant]
*phone rings*
Ugh, these are way worse than onion rings.
That scene where Scar kills Mufasa only it’s me to the crumbs on my shirt
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
…żyje?
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.