When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
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M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me “William, HELLO!”
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
So wild that you can walk into any Walmart, open a Ouija Board in the game aisle, summon a Demon and then just leave.
Sorry to all my coworkers who have to listen to me whisper the sassy email replies I wish I could send
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
*brings butter gun to butter knife fight*
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
I haven’t seen a kid on a leash in a while. I guess parents started releasing them back into the wild.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Lol
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
“we have guests, go get me the fancy snail teapot”
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I’m at my creepiest when I see a drunk chick crying outside of a bar and just think ‘bingo