i mean, i wouldn’t kick you out of bed for eating lasagna.
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Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[working from home]
8:00am: wake up
8:30am: eat cereal
8:30-noon: can’t remember
noon: open laptop
noon-12:15pm: let laptop “do its thing”
12:15pm: complete one (1) sit-up
12:30pm: neck hurts from sit-up
1:00pm: apply for worker’s comp
Everyone at the office is going crazy because I faxed someone a hot dog
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
changed clouds to coulds and now the sky is full of possibilities
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
This is my brand.
“It’s a good friend who, when you want the truth, knows what truth you want.”
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
When you don’t understand how floors work
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War