“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
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I empty the recycling bin on my computer like someone’s actually gonna come along and say “ew gross this bin needs emptied”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
When I think about you, I touch myself.
In the face.
With my fist.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I keep having this dream about a guy I chopped up and put in my freezer. I always have to try and hide it when I get a new roommate. The roommate part is really starting to freak me out.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
i think both sides are to blame here
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Interviewer: Have any personal mantras?
Me: Absolutely! [thinks to self…banana to mouth not mouth to banana] Make friends with change✨
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
I’m biased: I have four buttocks.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Instead of seizing the day, I’m going to make little “shoo shoo” motions at it.
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
My daughter lost her first tooth today and has not stopped crying since. Why she didn’t punch me back I have no idea
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
The problem with hosting a party at my house is I can’t leave the party early and go home.
bought some granny panties— turns out they’re not even made of little old ladies
Stop cleaning your house for me so I can stop cleaning mine for you
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
Humming & dancing while I plop my meds into my weekly pill counter like the happy little nutcase I am
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man