When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
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[me, being murdered] agree to disagree
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
My long legs mean I can emerge gracefully from an SUV. After that, every step looks like I was just released from a zero gravity experiment.
People ask me, “Matt, how do you do it?” , “Matt, what’s your secret?” , “Matt, why do you make up imaginary interview questions?”
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
My pet toddler is scratching at the door again.
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
MOVIE FACT: They had to remove a shower scene in Taken because the lead actor kept watching shampoo wash onto his feet and singing “Head & Shoulders Neeson toes”.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Don’t confront someone who puts cottage cheese in lasagna, leave crazy alone.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
I’m so glad the “you break it, you buy it” policy doesn’t apply to hymens.
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
[a pig opens the door for me]
Thank you, ha’am.
The last time I checked, I was a weirdo.
Let me check again. Yep, still a weirdo.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.