I was fired from the zoo for exploding the budget, but I still think the giraffes look pretty great in those turtleneck sweaters.
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*pronounces fake like saké*
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
New slogan for cats: “Ever go to the zoo and want to snuggle a tiger but don’t want to die? Cats.”
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Did you know pigs have orgasms that last 30 minutes?
This is God thanking them for bacon.
the first cicada of the season just walked itself right into my fire pit. 13 years under ground looked at the world and said nope
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
DETECTIVE: Where were you the night of murder?
You make me want to be a better home and garden.
Has anyone tried throwing 2020 in some rice?
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.