my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, & open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
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I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Me: It’s not working out between us. You’re too suffocating.
Darth Vader:
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
plant them where lol
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[god creating raccoons]
Take a cat and make him look like he’s committing crimes
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
Psychiatrist: You seem much better!
Me: Thanks, the airline lost all my baggage.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her