“And… uh… chocolate kills dogs.” – God puts the finishing touches on life on earth.
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I experimented a ton in college. I tried naps in the evening, naps in the morning, sometimes even 3 naps in a row.
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
My wife bought me a ticket for an adventure on a submarine; did I mention she only bought one.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
My cousin Clevis says he bought a chihuahua, but I’m pretty sure he just shaved a squirrel.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
Remember, kids: Never get in cars with strangers unless you’ve used an app to select a specific stranger to drive you around in their car
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
All I’m saying is if I’m not allowed to give a monkey a gun at the zoo they should have a sign.
Stranger at public charging station: Did you just unplug my phone?
Me: Yours is at 40 percent and mine is at 5 percent. I invoked triage rules.
Yeah, I experimented in college. I tried beet chips.
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
15yo: Mom, now that you have to do your own nails, maybe you shouldn’t do them at night…
ME: I didn’t!
15yo: when it’s dark …
ME: It was morning!
15yo: and cloudy…
ME: It was sunny!
15yo: when you’re tired…
ME: I just woke up!
15yo: while drinking…
ME: … fair.
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”